limbo

It's been awhile since I have written anything. I have thought about it a lot but I am pretty sure this blog is only for me so there has been no urgency. I think my husband reads it but I'm almost positive he is the only one. Pathetic? Perhaps, but I am not writing this to establish a big fan base. I write these ramblings just to clear my head. And lately, my head needs a lot of clearing. Lots of cobwebs up in these corners.

I'm feeling like I need something. A direction or a push. Maybe search for my next career move or redecorate the house (purely in my mind) or take up a hobby. I can't quite pinpoint what it is I am looking for but I feel like I need that extra big step forward before more time passes me by. I still really love paper design but that is a tough field to crack. I'd like to learn felting or take a Bonnie Gordon cake class. Caking has been my latest quest but again, another tough field to crack. Maybe I'll take up kickboxing, stranger things have happened. I'm open to suggestions...

psst! I've got a secret...

It's not like "I murdered someone" kind of secret or even "I hoard mini kit kat bars under my mattress" kind of secret (by the way neither of those apply to me). It's just a secret that I have never, EVER told anyone. Not even my husband. A plain old secret that I have kept to myself for years because surely even you, dear reader, would laugh if you knew it.

Would you like to know what it is?

Really?

*deep breath*

Okay.

For some reason unknown to me, I want to run a half marathon. Not a full marathon cause I'm not stupid, just a half marathon. What makes this especially amusing is I despise running. Hate it from the bottom of my core. I would rather do dishes for 26 straight days than have to run. And if you know me, you know I really, REALLY hate doing dishes. But running? Why would I want to expose myself to this? It's not like running to catch my child before she knocks down the soup display. But running 13.1 miles! I realize people do this all the time. In fact, half marathons have grown in popularity over the past few years and there is nothing I should be afraid of. So what's holding me back from doing something I want to do? I know it would take quite a bit of training on my part as let's face it, I'm certainly not in running shape, but perhaps I will get to do my half marathon one day. If I do, I hope you will be there to cheer me over the finish line. Or better yet, catch me as I collapse from sheer exhaustion.

So now you know my secret.

In the meantime, I have a sink load of dishes waiting for me.

I have a new girlfriend

Firstly, let me establish that I love my husband dearly.

Secondly, I met a girl.

Being in my ripe old age of 36, I find it is much more difficult to make new friends. Especially difficult being a stay at home mom. Sure I have met some nice people at my kids gymnastics class/soccer game/park but nothing really more than some friendly chat about our children's latest and cutest quirks. I leave wondering if I will see them again (assuming we had a good conversation) or hoping I won't see them again for a very long time (there are various reasons for this as believe it or not, not everyone is capable of carrying on a "normal" conversation without offending or scaring).

So as I was anticipating my daughter's return to school this fall and what friends she will make, I did not anticipate my own friendship with a fellow bus mom. It started as the usual smile, then the natural "how old is yours?" question while gesturing to the children at our feet. Over the next few school days, we found out we have quite a bit in common. Adding to that, our oldest children began sitting together on the school bus while our younger children babbled to each other in a language that only a 2 year old can understand (and a mom with a very well trained ear).

Last week we made plans for our first playdate and coffee.

I was nervous.

Like a first date nervous.

What if the kids don't get along? What if we have nothing to talk about? What if I find out she is a horribly racist bitch and now I have to find a way to avoid her at the bus stop every single day for the next 8 years? But, everything went well. In fact, we chatted as if we had been friends for a long time. AND, the children played well together with minimal fighting! Imagine that.

A few days later I received an email from my new friend. She invited me to a ladies spa getaway next May with 16 other ladies. How lovely! I just may make 16 new girlfriends to add to my BFF list.

Take this job and shove it

I like to think I have some talent, whether or not actually I do. I used to really love doing design work but now, the feeling comes and goes. Sometimes I get discouraged and just can't get the creative juices going. Other times I wonder why the hell I am doing this? I mean, there are a bazillion people out there much more talented me. Who do I think I am? But the best of times, I can sit at my computer (children willing) for hours upon hours not having quick enough fingers to manipulate my mouse to recreate what I see in my head.

Now it's not like I have a whole slew of work going on on the side. In fact I have tried to get my portfolio together on a few occasions in an attempt to peddle my designs across the internet in hopes that one single person will jump at the chance to own something I have created. Fact of the matter is the most "business" I have had as of late has really ticked me off. Some of them feel my quote was too high. Which granted, it can seem expensive sometimes but most people don't know the work involved in designing. You want paper manufactured from banana trees in Ecuador? You're going to have to pay for it. Would you work for $5/hour? I doubt it, so don't expect me to. But what really bothers me the most? When I do pro bono work, in addition to having no manners, you feel you can take advantage of me. It's these "jobs" that make me not want to design anymore.

I keep telling myself that "this job" will be the last of it. That I will not be a pushover. That I will take the time for my own designs and get myself "out there". In the meantime, I have an invite to design that needs to be done yesterday.

"Baked" Goods

I have never been much of a cook (I'm working on that!) however, I do enjoy baking. Lately I have a small obsession with "fun baking" and by that I don't mean apple pie, I mean apple pie bites on a stick (that is actually on my to-bake list). I had stumbled across these mini s'mores that I just HAD TO try. One mini marshmallow + one milk chocolate chip sandwiched between two Golden Grahams = bite sized yumminess!

While these really don't constitute as "baking" as I only had to assemble and put in the microwave, I do have a few baked goods to share with you and will have more whilst on my quest for fat burning baked goods.

Thank you sir, just call me Al

While growing up, my parents taught me to address adults by their last name. Mrs Simpson, the mother of my childhood best friend, still remains to this day, Mrs Simpson. In fact, all of my friends parents are still Mr and Mrs respectively despite being a grown up with children of my own. I think the only adults I address by their first names that are not within 5 years of my age, are the family members on my husbands side. I remember quite clearly after Kyle and I had gotten engaged and invited my in-laws over for dinner, I was at that akward stage of what-do-I-call-them. Mom and Dad didn't seem right and Mr and Mrs seemed too formal (and was quickly dismissed by them) so I was told to address them by their first names. I called into the main room to see if they had wanted any coffee and I distinctly remember saying "Cathy and Mr J" It was funny but I had a very hard time getting used to the idea of first names with them. Now of course it is second nature.

It seems to me that times have changed (naturally) and children no longer use last names. I am "Nikki" to even my friends children. Not Mrs Jones, not Auntie Nikki, just Nikki. Not that I mind so much but it seems out of place for my children to use first names for grown ups and really, do I want them to be the odd kid out? Yes, maybe. But seeing that my children are now (almost) 5 and 2, is it too late to change the rules of etiquette? What exactly are the rules of etiquette now anyway? Perhaps I should ask Mrs Simpson.

what to do, what to do....

Summer is quickly coming to an end. Molly will be returning to school in 5 weeks and I will be left with some extra time on my hands. Only small windows of "free time" of course but I am already envisioning what I could possibly do with them. There are a few things I would like to pursue - like woodworking or felting for example. Or things that I should pursue - like a first aid course or learning what's under the hood of my car. I did find this wonderful blog about making your own toddler bed (directions here) but I don't think Abbey is quite ready yet to make the transition from her crib so that project is on hold for the time being. Problem is the things I would like to do require a bigger time commitment than I am able to give so those will be reserved for evening classes. My house needs some fresh paint and my basement is in desperate need of a good purging and...oh the home improvement list goes on and on. I have thought about trying to focus on my portfolio and promoting my paper designs or do I find some other creative outlet?? I have so many things I want to do but I don't know where to start. Anyone want to steer me in the right direction? What to do, what to do...